Vivi's Room

In August, I adjusted my attitude.
In September, I shopped.
In October, I rubbed and rubbed and rubbed.
In November, I'm not even close to done.
Which is great because I'm having fun.

Her room will be her secret, safe, soothing garden.




And the whole family is coming together to help...


Except, of course, the Beagle who -
"WILL ONLY WORK FOR FOOD."

Getting Really Real

Since my previously crusty heart has once again gushed all up inside, I decided to start jumping off cliffs. Proverbially, I assure you. I decided that I am committing to my adoption. (Insert maniacal laughter here). I guess having to win a spot in a lottery; six months of paperchase across the entire United States; waiting for more than three years; having single adoptions X-ed so that I can never start this again through China; having her name picked out aaaaaaallllll this time (even if that _____ Angelina Jolie stole it two years into my wait); traveling to China; recently completing my fourth home study; getting fingerprinted five times; negotiating USCIS for the third I-171H (Uh, pardon me, but what do you mean you sent notice of my approval to the Ukraine??!!); and, of course those thousands of dollars; just wasn't enough for me to feel "really" committed to adopting V. My "REAL" commitment - was starting her room.

I went to the edge of the cliff and said... "Dang it! I'm going to start ACTING like she's actually coming!" No more Queen mattress and box spring leaning on the wall... no more calling it the "cat" room or the "extra" bedroom. It's Vivi's room and I'm putting it together. So THERE!

I initially felt that leaving the room as is was the better choice for me. I couldn't stand the thought of decorating the whole thing, getting it all set... and it sitting empty for years. That thought was overwhelming to me... but I realize now, it was also fed into my ambivalence... my avoidance. For me, coping was all about avoiding any and all reminders I was actually planning to adopt. And I'm sick and tired of that. It's not living... it's limbo. The stark reality was that even though I was doing everything technically necessary to adopt, I still held onto that little voice in the the back of my mind saying, "Well, you can always not go through with it."

I am done. I am done with that. I am going to live, act and plan as if she is REALlycoming. I am going to live that REALity. She's REAL, and I need to be ready to parent her from day one. She is my REALity and I am hers.

Wow, is that where my heart has been hiding?

Since my Chinese adoption torture breakdown, curious things have been happening. First, I found myself motivated in a new way to get my paperwork renewed. I got on top of it - got stuff (and more money) out in the mail to USCIS - I wrote my own petition for an extension for the State certification - I just got off my butt and got going. Next, I was surprised when I realized that I had actually checked into a couple of adoption blogs. I checked the email in my "adoption" email account for the first time in... ah... ok, about 18 months (geeeeze!) I found myself really looking at the calendar that's been on my office wall for three years with the months of parents lined up in front of me - different color highlights as I filled in each batch of matched LIDs - and I looked at the little box in red that marks my LID of 6/13/06. Yes, it is still taking six months for CCAA to get through a month of waiting LID families - but instead of feeling broken... I felt a twinge of hope for the first time in ages.

I don't know what's changed inside me... or why it has... but it's like that rant of frustration broke the dam that separated me from all things adoption related - and the good feelings I once had. It's not as if anything has changed in the big picture. At the 6 months work to match 1 month of parents rate - I'm still probably more than a year away - in addition to the three I've already waited. Nothing's different - but me. I feel different. I feel hopeful again. I feel connected to something more than just me. I feel joy... anticipation... and the willingness to plan. To plan! That's something I've refused to let creep into even the furthest recess of my mind. But somehow - I can now - and it doesn't make my heart feel like it's being squeezed in an enormous steel vice. I can have thoughts of "her"... and smile. I can look at that empty room holding the spare mattress and box spring and start imagining how to decorate.

Someone asked me on last Friday about the progress on my adoption and I actually answered with enthusiasm instead of a low growl. Wow. I didn't even realize my heart was gone until, after all that ranting and self-pity, I just tripped across it. It'd fallen back behind the dresser and somehow was lodged into the far corner of my room. I almost didn't see it - all covered in dust bunnies in the dark. But the force of my breath from all that whining must have uncovered it just enough. I picked it up in my hand and stared at it all dry and shriveled and I mourned how little attention I had paid to it for so long. I felt a swell of determination grow in me as I cleaned it up and pushed it back into my chest. I waited without taking a breath... until I felt the first beat.

2009: I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT!!!!

Alright already! China you win... YOU WIN!! You've broken me with your Chinese Adoption Torture!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?????!!!! Everyone's home WITH their babies - but me???? OH HELL NO!! My frickin ticker is now counting by the YEAR??!!!! I can't stand even looking at this blog -- it so heartbreaking. I can't bring myself to post ANYTHING... I can't stand to read anyone else's blog... I have a friend who has to MAKE me look each month to see where referrals are up to... and it's always TWO FRIGGING DAYS of progress. YES YES I've finally lost it. I lost it so bad that I almost let my paperwork expire... I was in such avoidance I refused to even look at the deadlines approaching. I don't have a snazzy blog that I devotedly attend to. I don't have a prepared nursery. I don't have some great pediatrician lined up. I can hardly even stand to THINK about my adoption. In fact I actually get sick to my stomach if I even TRY to think about it. I have refused to let myself buy ANYTHING baby-related for years now. GOT THAT??!! YEEEAAARRRS!!!!! I now have THREE dogs and two cats and my thirty-something status is now FORTY plus! YES PLUS! My house is a wreck... I haven't done laundry in three weeks... and you know what?? I'm just soooo PISSED OFF. Yes, I said it - PISSED OFF. For heaven's sake I'm even resorting to fake swear words I'm so frustrated!!!! I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS.

AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May to PA

Caity's Birthday

2008: Zen, Schmen! Tired of Waiting?? Go to China!! I DID!!

At the beginning of this year (2008) CCAI (my agency) announced an opportunity for waiting adoptive families to travel to China as a group. The trip offered a 10-day itinerary, including four different cities, twelve popular tourist destinations, and one special opportunity to volunteer at an orphanage. They called it a "Pre-Adoptive China Tour" or "PACT 2008". I could not have been more thrilled and I wanted to go! I was very apprehensive about traveling to China in the first place, and it was one of the worries that plagued me while awaiting my match. It was stressful enough for me to imagine traveling in China itself, but with a new baby who wouldn't know me from Eve... the combined thought made my tummy gritch! I saw the PACT as a great opportunity to give the China Travel itself a dry run. I was sold from the start. However, it wasn't a sure thing unless "enough" families signed up.

We got the news on Feb 22nd that enough families were signed up that the trip was a go! Surprisingly, only five CCAI waiting families had signed up. I had expected more... but regardless, it was enough. I sum it all up by calling it nothing less than the best travel experience of my life. I can only rave, rave, and RAVE about CCAI's staff in planning and executing this trip. It was an exceptional privilege to be able to participate, at a very reasonable price, with other adoptive families, seeing so much... including... hang on to your hats!!... a personal welcome and tour of CCAA, by the Director, himself!! Totally unexpected and such a fantastic suprise.

We departed on April 15th and returned on April 25th. Since returning, I've been downloading pictures and sleeping... sleeping... and.. well... sleeping. hehe. I will share my experiences as best I can in postings to follow.

2007: Year in Review

The Big You Know!!
My neice Caity and nephew Colton.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!
Auntie Jen scores a big one with the "authentic" tee-pee from Arizona!


Winter 2007

2006: My Safe Zen Place

I spend a lot less time surfing china adoption news/blogs/rumors online now in comparison to the time during my paperchase. While I was researching, deciding, and gathering my documents, I could not stop myself from spending hours each night reading blogs & groups scouring them for every last miniscule scrap of information, whispers or rumors. Being so insistent on knowing every possible angle became exhausting to me. I would worry and stress about each and every rumor. I couldn't find any peace. Then came the day that I received confirmation that my dossier was logged into the CCAA. I felt as if someone pulled the plug out of an overfilled bathtub and all that stress and angst drained away.

For a brief moment, there was peace. I'd gathered the documents, the pictures, the authentications, I'd made my statements and been studied. I could do nothing more to "help" my cause, or the speed the referral. I no longer had any control. Rather than feeling upset, I was so deeply relieved. It was out of my hands. Recently, I checked in on the rumor blog and discovered the rather tenuous state of affairs in China adoptions. Rumors abound of new restrictions, the elimination of singles' adoptions entirely, and speculation as to whether new restrictions will apply to those with their paperwork already in China. My reaction? Zen.

I am in my safe zen place. All this ruckus may be going on around me, but there is nothing that I can do. I have no say... I have no control... all I can do is wait, and accept what will be. It's peculiar how peaceful I feel knowing that it's simply not up to me, and in a way, I think a lot of my adoption has proceeded by fate or fortune. The first slot I received would have had me waiting until Jan 2007 to send in my dossier... thankfully I was fortunate enough to get a lottery singles' slot that allowed me to immediately begin the process. Each piece so far has fallen into place... and so I believe it will be as it should be. I don't have the power to influence it one way or another... I can't stop what might be, merely by feeling dread. And so... I wait... I won't worry... I won't stalk the rumor blogs... I can't. To maintain my own balance, I simply must wait and know in my heart it will be as it should be. I am in peace... in my safe zen place.

Camera-mitment-phobic

I cannot for the life of me commit to buying a digital camera. Well actually, I'm committed to buying one... I just don't know WHICH one to buy. I've been driving myself bonkers for months now reading reviews and looking at example photos and comparing and comparing and AAAARRRGGGG!!! I have a fear of commitment to technology. Technology I know will be outdated as soon as I buy it. A new model with more megapixels, greater zoom, better battery life, faster shutter speed, more optional manual controls, slimmer body... etc etc ETC!! The moment I commit, I will regret it and think I could have done better. The mere thought of it paralyzes me... and so I sit... and wait... and read more reviews... and still can't take a silly picture and post it at will on the blog - or email it to my sister. Ugh.

I have no camera to take shots of the slowly trickling-in quilt squares. It sounds rather hollow to just talk about them... we want to SEE them. My sister sent me a surprise package, with three little goodies for me and V.

1) Hand painted Gecko, courtesy of the multi- talented- ultimately- brilliant- superbly- spoken- and- pretty- darn- cute- nephew- Colton.
2) The cutest panda-faced baby bib.
3) A little beaded ladybug purse.

Of course I have no camera to take pictures and post them up so we can all ooooh and aaaaahhh... because I have no backbone (rolling eyes at self). How can it be so hard to find ONE perfect camera? All I want is enough MPs to cut/crop/blowup to my hearts content; slim sleek body so it will slip in the purse or pocket easily; speedy shutter to capture the cute kiddie moments; some options for manual controls should I actually ever learn enough to do some cool exposure stuff; big huge display that is visible in daylight and has good resolution; image stabilization to compensate for the fact that I never stop talking long enough to hold the camera steady; and an adequate zoom should a wide angle or close up be needed. Is that really so tough to find? Sheesh.

To my long-suffering sister, I have no idea how long that package was sitting tucked behind the giant terra cotta pot on my front porch - but I found it tonight!!! Thank you so much.. of course you'll hear me say that tomorrow too, but what a nice little surprise to find. I appreciate it very much.

Sorry, no pictures.

Super Sniper Group Confessional

Ok, since everyone is posting about their ebay sniping and general cute girl clothes shopping, I will add my confession as well. Yes, I am an ebay sniper. Not only that, but I taught my boss to do it as well. My best ebay sniping occurs during the day hours when I can use the T1 connection. BAHAHAHAHAHAH. So... I will confess to desperately attempting to suppress the desire to buy bundles of cute girly clothes for V. OoOOOOHhhh it can be SO HARD not to shop. Yes, Joannah I had a co-worker who turned me on to Baby Lulu. *sigh* and so the personal battle with the trigger finger continued... doooon't buy it! but it's sooooooo cute.. NONO.. YES YES!! UGH!!

And then... along came D... with H! YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! In one week I snatched 3 auctions selling 18-24 mo. And I'm so sorry to have to add the immediate gratification of seeing H wearing two of the SEVERAL outfits she's received this weekend. Even funnier? D had been ebay shopping too! We found out on Tuesday night that we were both shopping for H on ebay... thankfully we were spared the humiliation of having outbid one another when we determined I was shopping for immediate 18-24mo gratification, but he was shopping for the future (2T) hehehehe. Now that we're combining our shopping forces, I can imagine I now have a direct supply line straight from H to V. Let the bidding commence!